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the last song
2002-11-04, 2:17 a.m.

"this is the last song, this is the last song i'll sing for you..."
~Smashing Pumpkins~

i've made such a mess of things. no matter how hard i try, how much energy i put into something, or how much something truly means to me, it's ripped away. i know that if you truly love something or someone you have to let them go, and if it was yours, it comes back, but nothing comes back.


he meant everything to me. i love him more than life itself, and now even he has deserted me. i'm tired of being left along side the road to rot and die while everyone else goes on. i've tried to help so many people for so long that now i'm stuck here, and everyone i've given charity to has forgotten where their first step was.

well, i am just a step though. do you remember the first step you took as a child? or the first step on every flight of stairs?

didn't think so.

i never meant to hurt him. i tried to give him the world, i tried so hard. and now he thinks that i lied, that i cheated, that i purposefully hurt him. i don't mind it when people try to hurt me, but when people hurt the people i love, then it's a different story. that stabs me deeper than knife could pierce, shoots harder than any bullet could impale, and burns hotter than and flame could even try to. i have felt some bad physical pain, and i would gladly take that feeling, even all of it combined, than all the feeling that i have in my heart right now.

maybe i will.

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~

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