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~*~ the here and now. ~*~ the done and gone. ~*~ who am i? ~*~ find more like me ~*~
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my finger has confusion!!
2002-11-19, 9:02 a.m.

saw C just a minute ago. i'm so confused. i love him, but i don't know...

you ever have the feeling that even though you love someone, things just wouldn't work?

i don't want things to not work. in want safety. i want security. but i want success too, and for one to be successful in my eyes, one must be happy. i think i strive for happiness above all things. and love.

"love? above all things i believe in love. love is like oxygen, love is a many splendoured thing, love lifts us up where we belong; all you need is love."

well, then. that was an interesting tangent to a movie quote. i am really very tired.

i just don't know how to make him understand how confused i am right now. i can't find the words around him. it's so strange; he does so many things to me just by looking at me. i can plan for days on what exactly i'm going to say, and lose it all when i see him.

and it's not that i don't love him, because i do. i love him dearly. i just don't know if i could live with him for the rest of my life. there are moments that i say yes, undoubtedly, and then there are moments where i second-guess. i second-guess everything. i'm never sure about anything. i take that back, i'm sure that i love him. i'm just not sure that i could be with him. especially now, with where i'm at, and with my life in the shambles it's in.

at least J's dropped off the map after he dropped off my mail. i'm thrilled about that one.

life is just so strange's almost surreal. i feel like i'm just floating through existance as of late, and it's not fun. it's not a good float, the happy float; it's the kind that makes you feel like you're in mid-air, drifting away from the rest of the world, and there's not a damn thing to hang on to. you can only hope that you make it back ok.

i need to sleep.

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~

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