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~*~ the here and now. ~*~ the done and gone. ~*~ who am i? ~*~ find more like me ~*~
say something to me. ~*~ what they've said about me. ~*~ feel left out? ~*~ get pretty. ~*~

2003-02-18, 4:53 a.m.

current mood: contemplative.

current song: hallelujah by rufus wainwright, originally by leonard cohen, also performed by jeff buckley

i heard there was a secret chord

that David played and it pleased the Lord

but you don't really care for music, do you?

well it goes like this :

the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift

the baffled king composing hallelujah

well your faith was strong but you needed proof

you saw her bathing on the roof

her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you

she tied you to her kitchen chair

she broke your throne and she cut your hair

and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

baby i've been here before

i've seen this room and i've walked this floor

i used to live alone before i knew you

i've seen your flag on the marble arch

but love is not a victory march

it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

there was a time when you let me know

what's really going on below

but now you never show that to me do you?

but remember when i moved in you

and the holy dove was moving too

and every breath we drew was hallelujah

well, maybe there's a God above

but all i've ever learned from love

was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

it's not a cry that you hear at night

it's not somebody who's seen the light

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah...

so i'm here, listening to rufus's lovely lovely voice rise and fall over delicate and powerful piano, staring at this bright pink banner at the top of my screen for this "Porcelain Princess" diary, trying to think of what to write tonight, but the words aren't coming like they usually do. it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

so i open up a new browser window, and i go to see this Porcelain Princess.

she's a very pretty girl, and she's very Christian. i like the style of the diary a lot, but better yet, i like the messages. she's not afraid to say what she thinks, she's not afraid of persecution. she's not afraid to be the Porcelain Princess.

i wish i was strong enough to be like that.

then, i think, why aren't i? i am the only person on this earth in charge of my life, right? why do i worry about what other people think of me so much? why am i so afraid to break free of these restrictions i put on myself? and why do i do the "rebellious" things that i know are stupid, the things i know i'm only doing to fit in?

i'm so scared of hurting people's feelings, but i'm so tired of breaking myself; bending over backwards for people who i know aren't going to return the favour, even when i desperately need it. i'm tired of being used, but...

but i set myself up to be used.

and i set myself up to be laughed at when i do try to break out and it backfires.

i wish i was oblivious to all the people around me, like some of my friends. they are always themselves, because they don't see the snickering behind their backs or hear the mean comments.

or am i just a paranoid freak? for some reason, i always think that people are laughing at me, and delivering backhanded comments towards me, and just generally making fun of me. maybe i worry myself sick over nothing.

i do that. i worry way too much. just ask my ulcer. a 19 year old with a stress ulcer, you ask? you don't believe me? come look me up, and i'll let you spend 5 minutes with my mom. you'll see why.

it's a cold and broken hallelujah, but it's a hallelujah none the less.

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~

~*~ entries from 2002 ~*~ entries from 2003 ~*~ entries from 2004 ~*~ entries from 2005 ~*~ entries from 2006 ~*~ entries from 2007 ~*~ entries from 2008 ~*~ entries from 2009 ~*~

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