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~*~ the here and now. ~*~ the done and gone. ~*~ who am i? ~*~ find more like me ~*~
say something to me. ~*~ what they've said about me. ~*~ feel left out? ~*~ get pretty. ~*~

then there was one.
2004-01-07, 9:31 p.m.

current mood: retrospective.

current song: ugly by the smashing pumpkins

he's right. i'm afraid to be alone. i don't know what i'd do. that's what i ruin lives, burn relationships; that's why i hop from one man to the next. inside i'm a lonely, unhappy, unstable person. there's a void i'm trying to fill with men, and i'm learning that men don't fit - but i don't know what will. i realize that even if i did love the men in my past i've used every single one of them in some way. i don't know why i do it, though. i've also realized that this time i can't just run away when things get too heavy. i think i purposly screwed myself so i can't run. this is lilly's last stand, if you will, and the date is set for october 2nd. if i fuck up this time, it's permanent. i had better find out what's wrong with me, and quick. fight or flight, girl, what's it going to be?

i have been neither right nor justified in any and all of my behaviour for the last 10 years: what was it all for? all the lying, stealing, and cheating...there's a chip on my shoulder and i don't know what from. sometimes i catch myself sitting here, thinking that the world owes me something. there's a war in my head. often, the line between right and wrong is blurred. and after all the bad stuff, it's like i wake up to my web being torn down. i fucking deserve it - i really do. i just want to know why i do this every time. i go through the same motions, play the same games, and i'm pretty good at it until i make one simple mistake and get caught. but i don't want to be good at it! i don't. it just ends up this way every time. there have been some good boys that have had the misfortune of falling into into my web, and i eat them like flies, spin them in, and it's over until they wake up from the poision and struggle free. but i'm not a spider. i'm not good enough for that; they kill out of necessity. i'm a miserable human. i kill for sport. i am foolish, i am decieving, and i am nothing. i tried to tell the samurai several times throughout our relationship - i'm not worth this; i'm not worth you. i even tried to end the madness once, but he was so sad...i didn't know what to do. it only lasted 3 days. i got back with him to make him happy, but also because i loved him and i missed him. and then i fucked him over. i know, it makes no sense. he never listened, and it wasn't his fault. i had spun him in already. i tried, i really did, until i moved to pittsburgh. that's when i fell. i'm so weak inside. i am. and right now, i can't even look at myself. i don't look in the mirror, i don't like what i see stariong back at me. i'm sorry, i'm soi so sorry. i'm sorry andy. i'm sorry jamo. i'm sorry christopher. i'm sorry samurai. i know at this point my words, let alone my apologies mean nothing, but that's all i have left. i've got no distance left to run.

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~

~*~ entries from 2002 ~*~ entries from 2003 ~*~ entries from 2004 ~*~ entries from 2005 ~*~ entries from 2006 ~*~ entries from 2007 ~*~ entries from 2008 ~*~ entries from 2009 ~*~


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