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the first child's musings. current song: life is one endless blur these days. i see people, i interact in transient passings. i work, i sleep. my mind shuts down but i still function on an auto-pilot of sorts, and it gets me by. my mind has been from here and around the world and back again, to keep me going. one day, i tell myself, one day i'll have it all. this will all be over. i won't have to live like this anymore. i won't have to be someone else, and everything will go back to the way it was. eveyone has their wishful daydreaming, but usually people wish they were rock stars or actors or race car drivers. i wish for the day i'm free. but what is free, really? who is free? is happiness freedom, or is freedom happiness? what is happiness? back the way things were when, lindsay? back to who you were when? dennis read my zen tarot the other night. there are only 6 cards in the formation, and they don't reveal anything about the future. they just tell you what you are. basically i read that i could be happy and creative and more receptive to the things i want to be if i'd stop putting up walls between those i love and myself, hurting them. i also judge people too quickly because i have preconcieved notions about how they view me, and i carry the burden of living how people think i should live instead of living how i want to live. i am a hedgehog who is living like a rat because everyone thinks i'm a rat. i've become me through the instrumentality of the links between me and others. i've been formed by interaction with others. the interaction with people and the flow of time shape my mind. those are bonds? yes, those have formed me so far, the thing called ayanami rei. and, those will form me from now on. those are bonds? but, there's someone else who is the true you. you don't know her. because you don't want to see that, you are running away. because of fear. because she might not have a human shape. because the present me might dissapear. fear. one is afraid that the self will dissapear. fear? that doesn't make sense. the self's world will dissapear. aren't you afraid? i can't remember who i am. did i ever know? ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
