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~*~ the here and now. ~*~ the done and gone. ~*~ who am i? ~*~ find more like me ~*~
say something to me. ~*~ what they've said about me. ~*~ feel left out? ~*~ get pretty. ~*~

il dulce vida.
2004-09-22, 3:17 a.m.

current mood: hazy. still in vicodin world.

current song: the world at large by modest mouse.

ice age, heat wave, can't complain:
if the world's at large why should i remain?

riding the crest of the buzz is fun, but i'm anxious to resume my life. there are points in my past that i can recall where i would have loved an excuse to lay around and pop painkillers all day, but i'm getting too old for this. there's a point in everyones' lives where being stoned all the time is just rediculous, and i'm there. i wouldn't be like this if i didn't have to be.

so while laying around doing a whole lot of nothing, i've been giving some thought to what i'd like to do with the rest of my life. i still don't know really, but i think i might go back to school. i might pursue the whole rock star thing too. i might do both. i don't know what i'm going to go back to school for, but it might be journalism or nursing. i've got so many options, and i guess i've always had them, but i never really appreciated what i had until i almost lost it all.

i am getting married in 10 days. it's coming down to the wire now, and i can't believe time flew that quickly. almost everything is ready. i have some last-minute things to take care of, like playlists for the dj and getting the flowers straight and such, but like i said, it's all last minute stuff, and i can take care of it and have time to spare.

life is moving so fast, and i really do love it. it's bluring before my eyes a bit, but i can still make out what's going on around me. i'm so glad that things are happening like they are. i spoke to the samurai tonight; we had a nice conversation about everything. he gave me his blessing.

that means so much more to me than he'll ever know. it's so nice to know that he still wants to be my friend, and that he wants me to be happy. i am happy. i'm happier than i've ever been in my entire life. i love jeremy more than anything. he's been the most wonderful person alive to me. i'm so grateful for everything he's done for me.

most of all though, i'm grateful to everyone for everything they've done for me. for a long time i felt that the world owed me; i had such a chip on my shoulder. i felt that i'd been wronged, and maybe i had, but i was pointing the finger at everyone but myself for a very long time. now i'm realizing that i was as much at fault for everything that happened to me, because i could have changed things and i didn't. i've expected everything to come to me on a silver platter all my life, and now i know that i have to work for things. i also know that i need to stop saying and start doing; i'll talk like this here and later i'll whine about nothing going my way. i need to just change things for myself instead of talking about how much i'd like things to change.

life is interesting, to say the least, and i wish i hadn't wasted so much time on complaining and being lazy. it can't be helped now, and i don't want to waste more time on staring at the past. it can't be changed. the future can. look at the past to learn from my mistakes, look at the present to know the situation, look at the future and how i want the situation to turn out. it's the card theory.

we were talking the other day about the card theory. it goes like this: life is like looking at a deck of cards, each moment in life being one card. you've got the pile of cards that have already been turned up (the past), you've got the one card up (the present), and you have the pile of cards waiting to be turned up (the future). some people are constantly looking at the cards already flipped up, and when the next one is turned it smacks them in the face because they weren't ready for it. some people are busy staring at the card that's up, and when the next one comes, it smacks them in the face as well. some people are busy playing with the cards that haven't been turned up, trying to guess what's coming up next, and they're never right. so the best balance would be to look three cards into the past, look at the card in front of you, and guess three cards into the future. that way you're always ready to play what's best.

i'm floating again, and i'm rambling as well, as i have wont to do when i'm floating. at least my shoulder doesn't hurt...heh...

i do believe that this is my longest entry yet, and i didn't even put poetry or song lyrics in the begining. i've listened to the whole modest mouse album, i'm on the last song now, so i think that i'll wrap up soon. the good times are killing me.

i'll close with some lillae poetry. this one goes out to the samurai.

could one sing
who hadn't words to fill their song?
but in breathless melodies that describe
feeling adequately in itself
with notes that dance inside your mind
and bounce off the stars
and glide to the moon
with the light from the flame of a single candle
or with the power of so many sunbeams
with the whisper of a thin breeze
or the voracity of hurricane gale
but never without feeling.

goodnight.

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~

~*~ entries from 2002 ~*~ entries from 2003 ~*~ entries from 2004 ~*~ entries from 2005 ~*~ entries from 2006 ~*~ entries from 2007 ~*~ entries from 2008 ~*~ entries from 2009 ~*~


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