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had it up to ear level with this place current song: life during wartime by the talking heads heard of a van that is loaded with weapons packed up and ready to go heard of some gravesites out by the highway a place where nobody knows te sound of gunfire off in the distance im getting used to it now lved in a brownstone lived in the ghetto i've lived all over this town this ain't no party this ain't no disco this ain't no fooling around no time for dancing or lovey dovey i ain't got time for that now transmit the message to the receiver hope for an answer some day i got three passports a couple of visas you don't even know my real name high on a hillside the trucks are loading everything's ready to roll i sleep in the daytime and i work in the nightime i might not ever get home this ain't no party this ain't no disco this ain't no fooling around this ain't no mudd club or CBGB i ain't got time for that now heard about houston heard about detroit heard about pittsburgh, p.a. you oughta know not to stand by the window somebody might see you up there i got some groceries some peanut butter to last a couple of days but i ain't got no speakers ain't got no headphones ain't got no records to play why stay in college? why go to night school? gonna be different this time can't write a letter can't send a postcard i can't write nothing at all trouble in transit got through the roadblock we blended with the crowd we got computers we're tapping pohne lines i know that ain't allowed we dress like students we dress like housewives or in a suit and a tie i changed my hairstyle so many times now i don't know what i look like you make me shiver i feel so tender we make a pretty good team don't get exhausted i'll do some driving you ought to get some sleep get you instructions follow directions then you should change your address maybe tomorrow maybe the next day whatever you think is best burned all my notebooks what good are notebooks they won't help me survive my chest is aching burns like a furnace the burning keeps me alive i just want to write and i don't know what about, so here goes - i'm just going to ramble. everything in my life could be perfect. i could have everything, i think, and still be very sad. i don't understand it, and i hate myself for feeling like this because i know that my life is very good compared so some peoples'. i refuse to except the fact that i have a problem. other people can pull themselves out of feeling down, so why can't i? maybe i do have a problem. maybe i'm inadequate, or maybe i'm broken. maybe i'm unfixable, irrepairable. maybe everything i have i don't really have. is this life real? it's mind boggling sometimes, to sit down and think about where i'm going. i have no idea where i'm going. i'm going to get out of school, and get a job, and then what? our lease is up in a year, will jeremy and i move? to where? will he stay at walgreens, managing a drugstore all his life, or will he teach? will i go back to school? but where i've been, what i've done. that's even more strange to reaccount. i've been lots of places, and done lots of things. i don't regret them, but i do think i could have made better chioces in some situations...ok, so there's a lot that i regret. i've been heartless and cold. i've given all of myself until there was nothing left. i've picked up and moved on a whim, but i'm still afraid of change and unknown. i'm still scared of the dark, have been all my life. i don't understand how people work, and i don't understand how i work, so i've never been good at social interactions. i've broken my fair share of hearts. i've had my heart broken less times, but it's happened. i've seen the sun rise over the tennessee valley, and set over the pittsburg valley. i've worked more jobs than i care to think about, and i've quit or been fired from all of them. i could have been so many things, done so many things...i've had the (i hate this word) potential to be and do and go and what do i do? i hole myself up in the burbs. i tell myself i'm happy playing desperate housewife. and all i want to do is get in the car and put it on the highway and go until i run out of gas. i want that back, the option to not be here tomorrow. to not worry about where i'm going or why, and be able to make it work when i get there - wherever there may be. i'm a wanderer, i always have been since i was born. i can't live in the same place twice, and i can't stand staying for more than a year. god, and i've tied myself down good this time. and i love him, with all of my heart, more than anything else in this world. i love him more than life itself. and i never want to lose him, and i never, ever want to hurt him. i refuse. i've hurt too many already. but i've got to get out of here. and he knows it. i'm getting antsy and itchy for a major roadtrip. hopefully i'll get one in before the summer's over because if i don't...if i don't i'm going to lose it, big time. i've got to go, my friend the medic is dying. and that's not good. ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
