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~*~ the here and now. ~*~ the done and gone. ~*~ who am i? ~*~ find more like me ~*~
say something to me. ~*~ what they've said about me. ~*~ feel left out? ~*~ get pretty. ~*~

a day of reconing.
2005-12-19, 9:02 p.m.

current mood: foolish.

current song: rabbit in your headlights by u.n.k.l.e.

i'm a rabbit in your headlights
scared of the spotlight
you don't come to visit
i'm stuck in this bed

thin rubber gloves
she laughs when she's crying
she cries when she's laughing

fat bloody fingers are sucking your soul away

i'm a rabbit in your headlights
christian suburbanite
washed down the toliet
money to burn

fat bloody fingers are sucking your soul away

if you're frightened of dying and you're holding on
you'll see devils tearing your life away
but if you've made your peace
then the devils are really angels
freeing you from the earth
from the earth
from the earth

rotworms on the underground
caught between stations
butterfingers
i'm losing my patience

i'm a rabbit in your headlights
christian suburbanite
you got money to burn

fat bloody fingers are sucking your soul away
away.

i've never felt like such a bitch before in my life. everyone says things they don't mean. but that's not bad. it's when you do mean the things you say because at the time you don't understand - beacuse you're selfish and hateful. because you're a child, and you're playing games, and the people you're playing games with don't realize that you don't get it. you were a cancer, eating away at something good and true and pure, and three years later you realize that you were a parasite. getting hurt sucks. realizing you've hurt someone way too late - that hurts worse. but being able to make peace and get forgiveness is a magnificant feeling.

it still sucks and works and hurts and is an awkward package that got lost on delivery and is really fucking late. and it's hard for the me that is now grown up and mature and different than i was then to accept that i could have done something so foolish and careless. it's one of those things i'd buried - a precious thing that i let bleed and wash away. i've spent so many years running from my past that it's catching up like a freight train with casey jones at the helm.

and now, here i am. at 19 i was haughty - i never thought that anything i did would haunt me or ruin my life. and now my misspent youth has given me things like a ruined body and a tattered soul. it's given me broken hearts that have never mended, some that might not ever heal. and it's posthumerously reminded me that i am indeed human, as much as i thought that i wasn't for so long. when you're young you're indestructable and invincible and omnicient. one day you wake up to find that the wake of destruction you've left behind without an apology or passing glance is washing up on the shore and people have come to hold you accountable.

i have been dishonest, and unkind. i have played mind games and ruined lives. i broke hearts like bush kills soldiers. i have not cared about what i have done until it was way too late. and worst of all, i tried to forget it all and never make amends. and now i'm playing earl - i've won the maturity lottery and i'm making amends way too late, but i'm finding that there are few left to talk to.

so, here it is. to all of you embittered by my carlessness; to all of you who were hurt needlessly; to all of you i've ignored and refused the apology you so rightfull deserve: i'm sorry. i'm more sorry than you could ever believe. i know that this is beyond meager compared to what i may owe you. i know i have done what no person should have ever done to any human being, and words are not nearly enough to make reperations; at this point i have nothing else to offer. if i owe you money, i'll pay it up. if i owe you anything else, let me know. please give me a chance to make up for my past transgressions. i won't start naming names - you and i both know who you are. write me. email me. find me. i'll try to fix things best i can. if an apology was all you wanted and you never want to hear my voice again, i can understand that. god, i'm so sorry.

now, as an emt, i've begun to fully realize how fragile life is. it's kind of sad that it took me 23 years, but i've done it. i've grown up. i'm desperately trying to forgive myself - which might not ever happen. just know that i am in a place where i can finally take responsibility for my actions, even though it's too little too late. i'm pouring my heart out to a little grey box on a nameless, faceless machine, and i'm praying to god that the people that this is intended for are reading this. i wonder if some of them are still alive. my youthful moral bankruptcy is something i'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life; the slew of health problems, the heaping pile of mental baggage, and the increasing amount of heartbreak i'm finally suffering.

my god, what have i done?

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~

~*~ entries from 2002 ~*~ entries from 2003 ~*~ entries from 2004 ~*~ entries from 2005 ~*~ entries from 2006 ~*~ entries from 2007 ~*~ entries from 2008 ~*~ entries from 2009 ~*~


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