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scared shitless. current song: everlong by the foo fighters. accoustic. hello i've waited here for you everlong tonight i throw myself into and out of the red out of her head she sang come down and waste away with me down with me slow how you wanted it to be i'm over my head out of her head she sang and i wonder when i sing along with you if everything could ever feel this real forever if anything could ever be this good again the only thing i'll ever ask of you you've got to promise not to stop when i say when breathe out so i can breathe you in hold you in and now i know you've always been out of your head out of my head i sang and i wonder when i sing along with you if everything could ever feel this real forever if anything could ever feel this good again the only thing i'll ever ask of you you got to promise not to stop when i say when i can't bring myself to do cpr on some 80-something year old lady who probably won't survive anyways. but i also don't know if i can watch her die if she's got a dnr. i don't know if i'm ready for this at all. maybe with more practice. maybe with more ride time. maybe in a week, maybe in a month. these fleeting thoughts of inadequacy are circling above me, waiting for the moment i falter so they can pick my bones clean. is this my fault? i can't stand it; i'll fucking say it. i'm scared senseless. i'm petrified. what happens if i fuck up and someone dies and it's my fault? i can't live with blood on my hands. not yet. i'm not ready to be responsible for someone else - fuck, i can barely take care of myself. i've been way tachycardic and way hypertensive since i started, more so than usual, and i think that's normal for the job. it's stressful, even to vets. but i'm back to the old insomnia. i'm losing my mind. and i'm more depressed than i've ever been in my life. i need some strong liquor, and i need to sleep. if i keep this up i'll be back to the pain pills, and my ulcer of all things can't take that. do i stay with this? do i quit now before i'm even more fucked up? what do i do? do i go back to the world of mindless foodservice, where all i have to do is smile and bring the food out? i can't believe i'm considering that. i can't believe that i'm not stronger than this. i'm weak and i'm foolish and i'm scared; i'm all the things i never wanted to be. i'm all the things i swore i'd never be. i thought i'd desensitized myself to all this. the last thing i want to do is break down while i've got a patient. what makes this all worse is that i can't fucking drive yet, so i don't get a break. it's jump on in and hold your nose and pray the sharks don't eat you... ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
