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fleeing from discussions, again. current song: stand inside your love by the smashing pumpkins. you love me meant to be immutable impossible it's destiny pure lunacy incalculable insufferable but for the last time you're everything that i want and ask for you're all that i dream who wouldn't be the one you love who wouldn't stand inside your love protected and the lover of a pure soul and beautiful you don't understand don't feel me now i will breathe for the both of us travel the world traverse the skies your home is here within my heart and for the first time i feel as though i am reborn in my mind recast as child in mystic sun who wouldn't be the one you love who wouldn't stand inside your love and for the first time i'm telling you how much i need and bleed for your every moment waking sun in my time i'll wrap my wire around your heart and you're mine you're mine forever who wouldn't be the one you love and live for who wouldn't stand inside your love and die for who wouldn't be the one you love you see, i tend to complicate things. when things get rough, i don't get tough, i tap out. i start to glance sidelong at my other options. i look for the easy way out - the moving out at 4 in the morning, never to be heard from again. it's my favourite trick - my ace in the hole. i've always been able to walk away for something, anything else. i've always been able to detatch. i can't detatch from him, no matter how hard i have been subconsiously trying. i've looked at the other boys and girls and i've packed my bags in my head, getting ready for when the rest of my brain catches up. but it's not going to, i won't let it. i don't want to give him up, not even for the prettiest of distractions. it's all so easy to write here. but it's not all so easy to actually deal with. i miss my husband, when he was fun and free and not tied down by ideals and bullshit. i miss when he had fun. i miss jumping on a plane and going to where ever we want to go for the weekend. i miss jumping in the car and going to the park to play on the swings and laugh at the squirrels. i miss smiling for no reason what so ever. i haven't fallen out of love with all of him, just parts. i miss giggling uncontrollably, and playing games, and acting like children because that's why i married him. i married him because he was fun. and now he's all stock options and figures and overtime and bills. he's trying so hard to be an adult, because he thinks that's what i want. i don't want that at all...i don't want a morgage and kids and credit and a lexus because the neighbours bought a bmw. i don't want to compete to be the best stepford wife. i want to spend my days off laying on the couch watching b movies and cartoons and eating poptarts with him again. i want to spend my time off not trying to impress anyone at all. you see, one of his best friends got married a couple of months ago. and now they're pregnant. and jeremy is upset, because we weren't pregnant first - we got married first, after all. we should be in suburbia. i should be kissing his cheek on his way out the door while cradling my inflated abdomen. but there are a few problems with all of this; firstly, i can't have kids. secondly, in no way, shape, or form can we afford kids or a house right now. thirdly, there are so many things i want to do before children come in to the picture. i'm not ready to compete with the jonses. i'm ready to be an emt and go on to medic school and maybe even nursing school after that. i couldn't be happier if i found a way to go to med school. i might be more infatuated with the medical field then that boy i talk about all the time. and jeremy is ready to buy a house here in toledo where i don't want to live. he wants to be close to his family and all the boys. he wants to manage a walgreens for the rest of his life. there's not much else to it. he says, "lindsay, you know that if you keep going to school and you get deeper into the medical field, then you'll waste the next 10 years behind books, right?" and i say "yes". unblinkingly. and he throws up his hands as if surrendering, and he mutters an "ok". i pursue knowledge. i always have. and i have always wanted to be a doctor, ever since i was old enough to really start thinking about what i wanted to do with the rest of my life. sure, my academic career thusly has been a lot of "coulda, woulda, shoulda". i never wanted to be a music teacher, so i got myself thrown out of the college mom picked out. and i hated high school. it's a little hard to concentrate when you're being harrassed when people accuse you of being a lesbain. and it's a little hard to care when cheerleaders and football players who are damn near a gcs 3 are "pushed" to the top of the class. and it's a little discouraging when your talents are less noticed by dirty old chauvenist teachers than your bra size. but i digress. there are things that i want. and there are things that he wants. and neither side is meeting well with the other. and since we both run for the hills when it's time to sit down and talk about it, things are going nowhere. i can relent on some things, but i fucking love this job. and he is happy in his job. but he is not happy with the state of things, and neither am i. i am controlling the wandering eyes (to a point), and he is controlling the taking off with the boys (to a point). ok, so neither of us are making any effort what so ever. so now the question, i suppose, is not whether i will stay with him. the question is; will he stay with me? ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
