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~*~ the here and now. ~*~ the done and gone. ~*~ who am i? ~*~ find more like me ~*~
say something to me. ~*~ what they've said about me. ~*~ feel left out? ~*~ get pretty. ~*~

so much to say.
2006-02-13, 12:57 a.m.

current mood: once again, waiting for sleep.

current song: before today by everything but the girl

i don't want excuses
i don't want your smiles
i don't want to feel like we're apart a thousand miles
i don't want your attitude
i don't want your things
but i don't want a phone that never rings

i want your love and i want it now

i don't want your history
i don't want that stuff
i want you to shut your mouth
that would be enough
i don't care if you've been here before
you don't understand
tonight i feel above the law
i'm coming into land

i want your love and i want it now

my heart is that much harder now
that's what i thought before today
my heart is that much harder now
and i thought that it would stay that way
before today
but i don't want a phone that never rings

i want your love and i want it now
i want your love

friday was hell. everyone has heard about it already. it's fantastic. the fucking sewing circle of emts that gossip and prattle on and judge people.

i'm still struggling with this infatuation. i've been much better, since i haven't seen him in a while, but it's still strange...why do i feel this need? why do i see his face behind my eyelids? and jeremy...

jeremy is being betterish. he and i have talked some. but he still doesn't understand what i feel and why i feel it and why my job has me so down. and he says to me "carin is ok" but he doesn't realize that carin has been doing this for years. i don't know. he was disinterested and annoying while i was trying to watch the end of bringing out the dead. he doesn't realize that i need him. god, i need him to just...just shut up and listen. but he doesn't understand, and therefore he doesn't care. i want him to just let me talk because i would explain things to him but he thinks that i'm attacking him or calling him stupid when i explain things so he doesn't listen and he interrupts with some stupid quip about our next door neighbours and their kids and dogs.

we laid in bed the other day and had a little "state of the union" so to speak. everything i liked in him is gone, it seems. that doesn't mean that i don't love him anymore; it just means that we've both changed. he's grown up. i haven't. i asked him to pick up and move and he told me no. i asked him if i could go back to school and he once again brought up the subject of kids. i asked him what he saw himself doing in a year, and he said that he'd be here managing that walgreens, and hopefully raising a family. when i said i wasn't ready for that by any stretch of the imagination, he said that a lot could change in a year and that i'll probably be ready by then. when i once again said that i can't have kids, he made a sour face and got up to take a shower.

i feel like i don't know him anymore. if i met him for the first time tomorrow i can't say that i wouldn't fall in love with him, but i don't feel so sure. i hate to say it, but now i feel like i'm married to my job and he's just a warm body in my bed. no wonder everyone in the medical profession is divorced from someone who wasn't. you know, it doesn't bug me that he doesn't understand. that i can handle. it bothers me that he won't try to understand. he won't let me explain. he won't let me talk. friday night when i came home and all that bad stuff had happened he was upset that the first person that i called was carin. i called him second. he was pretty close to furious when he learned that i had called preacher third and had told both carin and preacher the story but hadn't told him. he was also mad that carin and i were going for coffee and that i was meeting preacher too, because i was so torn up and i needed people who would understand. so i sat down on the couch and tried to explain it to him. he kept getting up and walking to the kitchen to get things, doing the "yeah, uh huh, i'm listening" bit. when i finished talking, he left to go be with the boys. he tried to comfort me before he left, in that playcating sort of everything-will-be-ok and by the way are you going to get fired? here's some money. i'll see you tomorrow.

and no matter what he says i know he doesn't like that i hang out with all these people that aren't him, but what am i supposed to do? yesterday at dinner makes the second time in a week that he's asked me to give up my career. and it's the second time in a week we've gotten in a fight over it, because i said no. he said that he would absolutely not pay for medic school. that's fine. i got that worked out tonight.

my grandpa is getting his things in line, and aparently he's got stock portfolios set up for each of the grandkids; all 7 of us. there's something like 150k between all of them, and that's about 21k for each of us. it's funny, because he brought it up tonight at dinner without me even asking about it; he wanted to know if i planned on going back to school, since he's got it set up that none of us can touch the money unless we're using it for educational purposes. he was going to take it out and give it to jeremy as a down payment on a house and i told him no, that i would use it to go to medic school. it's my money. it's not jeremy's money. and i don't want a house right now. i don't want to live in toledo any longer than i have to, and renting right now is fine with me. i'm pretty sure that 21k is going to cover medic school, books and all. it'll be more than enough. and i'll let whatever is left over sit and collect interest and whatnot and tap into it again when i go to medical school or nursing school or whatever i decide to do. at any rate, it allows jeremy to wash his hands of the financial aspect of my hopes and dreams. maybe then he'll be ok with it all, since he's most certainly worried about the money. it's all he worries about, anyways.

you, my little diary. you are the most wonderful friend in the whole world. i can tell you everything and not feel bad about unloading on all my friends who have their own problems and lives. i don't like to bother anyone, even if they ask me what's wrong i still don't like to tell them. i always feel bad when people ask, because i don't want to spill my guts but i don't want to hurt their feelings when i don't so i most often talk about it for a minute and change the subject. and i go home and put on depressing crap music and write like a fool...most of what i write isn't even here. there are notebooks and pages and the backs of envelopes and napkins and placemats full of this. and the shower walls have been attacked with a china marker and my arms and legs have been covered with ball point pen. if i don't get it out somewhere i'll lose my mind and since i'm not far from that i try and release the pressure in my head any way i can. so many words, so much music, so much art. all stuck in my head, leaking from my ears. these precious things, let them bleed, let them wash away.

let it all wash away. let me find my little white pills that let my brain relax. let me get drunk and forget about the world.

maybe i'm not cut out for this. maybe i'm not cut out for life in general. maybe i'll repeat what happened when i was 13. mom's not here to save me this time, not that she did much then. i don't know. i'm getting crazy again. i'll go to bed, i think. maybe sleep will finally come and i will be able to forget this for a few hours. who am i kidding?

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~

~*~ entries from 2002 ~*~ entries from 2003 ~*~ entries from 2004 ~*~ entries from 2005 ~*~ entries from 2006 ~*~ entries from 2007 ~*~ entries from 2008 ~*~ entries from 2009 ~*~


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