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another fantastic birthday. current song: maps by the yeah yeah yeahs pack up i'm straight enough oh say say say wait they don't love you like i love you maps wait they don't love you like i love you made off don't stray my kind's your kind i'll stay the same pack up don't stray oh say say say wait they don't love you like i love you maps wait they don't love you like i love you i might have specifically ordered a bottle of wine that my husband wouldn't like so i would be forced to drink the whole thing. oh no, not that. a lovely argentinian pinot grigio it was, and it perfectly complimented the crab cakes i ordered. along with the ahi tuna sashimi. and the seared sea scallops with rice pilaf. and then it was gone, and the coffee, bakalava, and gelato came. it was my birthday, and i deserved it all. i almost ordered a martini; bombay sapphire, up, perfect, with a twist - no olive, shaken - not stirred, but i was quite lightheaded from the wine and all the food that i decided to skip it for the evening. i then came home and drank some of the $80 bottle of hendrick's gin that my mother so wonderfully left at my house. and i retreated to my room to talk to my friend dan on the phone. and now i am here, still mildly drunk, sitting in my lovely massage chair, thinking about all the crap that i take. it's all gone too far, i think. i deserve better. i deserve the world, damn it. it looks like it's time to have a little talk. and not the oh-so-polite suburban bullshit chit chat that i made with my husband over dinner; i'm thinking that it's time for a real talk with real words. he took off to go hang out with the boys immediately after dinner, and won't be back until tomorrow afternoon when he comes home from work. i'm getting used to it now, and it doesn't bother me so much, i suppose. his friend al, the manager at the resturant we ate at tonight, is going to have a baby with his wife. and he of course asked when jeremy and i were going to have children. and i drank more wine and tried not to look like he'd punched me in the gut. jeremy flinched and made some foolish excuse, and laughed nervously. i feel like this is all a fantastic sham; we're pulling the wool over everyone's eyes, both too embarassed to mention the fact that i am barren. as barren as the fucking sahara. it's time for bed. it's time to sleep all this off, and it's time for me to forget about it. i have to mentally prepare myself for work tomorrow, so i'm not an indignant bitch like i was today, so eric doesn't kill me. it's also quickly approaching the time where i have to tell that other boy how i feel. i can't take it anymore. maybe it's for the best. i can live with the rejection that i know i am facing. maybe it will help. ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
