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~*~ the here and now. ~*~ the done and gone. ~*~ who am i? ~*~ find more like me ~*~
say something to me. ~*~ what they've said about me. ~*~ feel left out? ~*~ get pretty. ~*~

the end of a free spirit.
2006-04-02, 11:52 p.m.

current mood: laid back...with my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

current song: a paper bag by fiona apple.

i was staring at the sky
just looking for a star
to pray on or wish on or something like that
i was having a sweet fix
of a daydream of a boy
whose reality i knew was hopeless to be had
but then the dove of hope began its downward slope
and i believed for a moment that my chances
were approaching to be grabbed
but as it came down near
so did a weary tear
i thought it was a bird but it was just a paper bag

hunger hurts
and i want him so bad oh it kills
because i know i'm a mess he don't want to clean up
i got to fold because these hands are too shaky to hold
hunger hurts
but starving works
when it costs too much to love

and i went crazy again today
looking for a strand to climb
looking for a little hope
baby said he couldn't stay
wouldn't put his lips to mine
and a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
i said honey i don't feel so good
don't feel justified
come on put a little love here in my void
he said it's all in your head and i said so's everything
but he didn't get it
i thought he was a man
but he was just a little boy

hunger hurts
and i want him so bad oh it kills
beause i know i'm a mess he don't want to clean up
i got to fold because these hands are too shaky to hold
hunger hurts
but starving works
when it costs too much to love

i ate some dinner, i watched memoirs of a geisha, and i did some laundry. then i laid in the bathtub for well over an hour drinking gin and listening to coldplay and tori amos and fiona apple. i shaved my legs. i plucked my eyebrows. i painted my nails. and now, here i am, still sipping on gin and juice, still listening to fiona apple, still trying to relax. and i still can't do it.

jeremy made nice tonight, what with dinner and a movie and all. he might have actually treated me like a person for a few hours. and i'm sucked back in, like usual. i forgot about all the things that i've been so unhappy with lately, and i pretended that this is what he's like all the time. i suppose it was nice just to occupy the same space as him for a few hours, and there was no yelling, and no fighting. just jeremy and i, stiiting next to each other on the couch, pretending not to notice the void that sat between us. and we smiled and we laughed and it was all hollow and empty and almost forced. and when i looked in his eyes i saw a tired man, a man who is lost and lonely and has no idea what to do about it. i threw my arms around him and he laid there, no movement, no sound, no feeling; no return. and that's when i decided that i should get very drunk. do people actually live like this?

i can't ask that question, because i know the answer full well. i am living like this. and i will in all probability continue to maintain this. i have done what i have done, and there is no changing that. i have made myself the wife of a man that will support me financially and take care of me. this is a good thing, is it not? i have chosen a reliable, stable, financially secure business partnership, to which i am contractually bonded. isn't that how it's supposed to be? isn't that what a marriage is? no sense letting foolish things like feelings and desires come into play. i am a geisha, and i have sold myself to the highest bidder. this is what women wait for all their lives. and he needs me; he needs me to do all those silly things that a man cannot be bothered to do - cooking and cleaning and laundry and being a pretty thing on his arm at business functions. and that is my place, is it not? for i am just a woman; a cheap commodity, a shiny trophy. i am here for amusement. and i will smile, and i will wave, and i will cook and clean and vacum with one leg kicked up. and i will bring him his pipe and rub his feet after a long day at the office. and i will not grimace after he refers to me as the "old ball and chain". and i will accept my fate. it's my fault, after all. i did this to myself. and i will sit here and drink my gin and i will be just another housewife.

it's time to cut my losses.

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~

~*~ entries from 2002 ~*~ entries from 2003 ~*~ entries from 2004 ~*~ entries from 2005 ~*~ entries from 2006 ~*~ entries from 2007 ~*~ entries from 2008 ~*~ entries from 2009 ~*~


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