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happy fucking mother's day. current song: crazy by gnarls barkley. the video is super-neat. i remember when i remember when i lost my mind there was something so pleasant about that phase even your emotions had an echo in so much space and when you're out there without care yeah i was out of touch but it wasn't because i didn't know enough i just knew too much does that make me crazy possibly and i hope that you are having the time of your life but think twice that's my only advice come on now who do you who do you who do you who do you think you are ha ha ha bless your soul you really think you're in control well i think you're crazy just like me my heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb and all i remember is thinking i want to be like them ever since i was little ever since i was little it looked like fun and it's no coincidence i've come and i can die when i'm done but maybe i'm crazy maybe you're crazy maybe we're crazy probably my mother, speak of the devil, stood me up yet again. i feel so foolish - i cancel all my plans, and i sit by the phone nervously waiting her call. all i want to do is have dinner with her. i want to connect. and she doesn't...she doesn't care. she never has. she probably never will. and i try to pretend that it doesn't bother me but i can't anymore. it does bother me, it bothers me more than i can express in words. she's always got so much going on, and i know that four children, a husband, and two jobs is a lot; not to mention all the other bullshit she fills her life up with so as to avoid any and all time to realize how miserable she is inside. and after watching her mother, who never set aside time for her, die without ever expressing how much she loved her children because she was so busy with other things she'd want to make things right for her kids. one would think that she'd start taking time to make these relationships right. but she's so fucked up from it that she's shut down and closed off all her emotions. i remember watching her fall apart when grandma was shooting the tubes. and i remember her sobbing in the background when dad called to tell me that grandma had died, on my 21st birthday. and that was all the emotion she had - a week's worth. she put on a lot of mascara and a good face for the funeral. aunt denise came up, and she and my mom played in the attic - which was strictly off-limits when grandma was alive - like children, reveling in the sheer amount of crap that grandma had kept. she was more than a packrat - she was insane. she kept everything, right down to a diaposable bathing suit that my grandpa had bought back in 1963 when they all went to the grand canyon on a family vacation. there were boxes of greeting cards and baby toys and clothes that haven't been worn in 30 years. i wandered up the stairs to find my mother sitting cross-legged on the floor, with a plastic wig on underneath an aviator cap, goggles down over her eyes, pawing through a box that held every single grade card she and denise had ever gotten. denise was across from her, 2 scarves draped about her shoulders, holding an hourglass in one hand and a cap pistol in the other. they were laughing like fools. i think that it was the first time i'd ever seen them act like sisters. i vowed then and there that i would always act like a sister to my siblings. when grandma was in the icu and could barely open her eyes i vowed that i'd never let the relationship between my mother and i slip away, as they had. and yet, here i am, chasing after her for a minute of free time when she's not drunk or screaming or in a hurry to go do something else. maybe i haven't been trying hard enough. maybe i don't set aside enough time. you know what? i set aside all the time in the world for her. i do it all the time; she calls me and says that she'll be up the next day, so i cancel all my plans and sit by the phone, just like i did tonight. then i get fed up with waiting, and i call her, and she makes some excuse and gets off the phone as soon as she can. and i hang up the phone, feeling numb, and i laugh it off. it's all bullshit. eh, i'm done. i've got to go to work tomorrow. at least i'm not on light duty anymore... ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
