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stopping to think. current song: bizarre love triangle by new order. how appropriate. every time i think of you i feel shot right through with a bolt of blue it's no problem of mine but it's a problem i find living a life that i can't leave behind there's no sense in telling me the wisdom of a fool won't set you free but that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows while every day my confusion grows every time i see you falling i get down on my knees and pray i'm waiting for that final moment you'll say the words that i can't say i feel fine and i feel good i'm feeling like i never should whenever i get this way i just don't know what to say why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday i'm not sure what this could mean i don't think you're what you seem i do admit to myself that if i hurt someone else then i'll never see just what we're meant to be every time i see you falling i get down on my knees and pray i'm waiting for that final moment you'll say the words that i can't say there are a lot of things in my past that i don't talk about. i can't bring myself to admit the things that have happened to me, and i can't stand the way that they make me feel. i'm so very ashamed of the way that i've lived, and the things that i've done, and worst of all i'm ashamed of a lot of things that i had no control over - i still feel like it's my fault that it happened. i'm ashamed of the way that i look and i'm totally convinced from time to time that no matter how honest someone's intentions seem i'm still just being used. that's not a slight, and it's not that i don't have any faith or trust; that's just what pops into the back of my head, and i can't help that. after you spend your entire life being used and pushed down, you just start to expect it from everyone no matter what the circumstance, and i'll be the first to admit that my track record in these matters is not so great. ok, everyone calm down. i'm not saying that absolutely everyone in my life has used me. what i am saying is that a vast majority of the people that i've brought close to me have hurt me, and sometimes i get so scared that i'm going to get hurt that i drive people away. the infamous "hedgehog's dilemma", which i've refered to so often, is something i use as an excuse so that i have a reason to do what i do. i do not enjoy the fact that i push people away, but i can't control it yet. i do not enjoy being frightened of myself and my feelings, but there's so much here to deal with that i don't know where to start anymore. i remember being told a long time ago that you can't love someone else until you love yourself. i don't think that's completely true. i think that you can be madly in love with someone else, and not love yourself at all. however, when you do finally love yourself you might realize that you don't need this other person quite as much as you think. when you can't rely on yourself, you use someone else as a crutch. some people never lose the crutch. some do. it's a rather sad thought to me that i've never really taken the time to figure out what i think and how i feel. i've never sat down and decided who i am. going through school and finding this job have landed a big chunk of what i want in front of me, and for that i'm thankful. i feel as though it's finally given me something tangible to work for, and something i can make goals for realistically. i can see myself staying in the medical field until i'm so old that they make me quit; and it has helped me discover a lot of who i am and how i feel about certain things. however, though this was a big step, i have so much more to work on and now it's even more apparent. i know that i spend all my time apologizing, and i don't even know what for most of the time. and i do know that saying "i'm sorry" or "i don't know" is a safety net so i don't have to say what i'm really thinking. it goes back to that whole being absolutely terrified of what might happen if i do say what's on my mind. i don't like to make trouble, and i don't like to get hurt, so it seems that this is the easiest possible way to get out of all that. but as my father said repeatedly to me, "if it was easy, everyone would do it". i'm going to bed. and this weekend i'm escaping to the lake, and i'm going to get some alone time. ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
