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the past is dead. current song: precious things by tori amos... so i run faster but he cought me here yes my loyalties turned like my anger in the second grade running after billy running after the rain these precious things let them bleed let them wash away these precious things let them break their hold on me he said you're really an ugly girl but i like the way you play and i died but i thanked him can you believe that sick sick holding on to his picture dressing up every day i wanna smash the faces of those beautiful boys those christian boys so you can make me cum that doesn't make you jesus these precious things let them bleed let them wash away these precious things let them break their hold on me i remember yes in my peach party dress no one dared no one cared to tell me where the pretty girls are those demigods with their nine-inch nails and little fascist panties tucked inside the heart of every nice girl these precious things let them bleed let them wash away these precious things let them break their hold on me but it all came out, last night, in a dreadful flood of rage and pain. and i lost control. and i got very, very scared, and i tried to run again, to make things easier. "easier on you", "better for you" i stuttered between tears, fumbling with my boots. but he wouldn't let me, he made me stay, no matter how hard i fought. and his forcefulness made me resent and fear him at the time. i'd felt that before, i'd been restrained...i'd been held when i fought away. and i didn't want that again. but this time was very different; though i fought and cried and was so very frightened, deep in my heart i knew that i trusted him and that it was in my best interest to face up to the facts. i didn't grow weak and give up, i didn't grow tired and turn my face away and let things happen to me this time. i instead, for the first time in my life, gave of myself willingly face to face with someone i trust and care for. and i stopped all the bullshit martyrdom; the "it's better for you if i don't" act that kept me from dealing with my past for so long. and he was right, though i so hated to hear it, i was a coward, and for so long. mother mary, china white. after it was all over, he said that he was an asshole because he needed me to say it. but i know that he knows that i needed to say it, too. i needed to stop pretending that it happened. i needed to let it go, and i could never do it by running from it and tucking it into the back of my mind. and today i realized that i can't blame myself for it. it wasn't my fault. i shouldn't have known better. i didn't do this to myself, i didn't bring this upon myself. and there was no strength in ignoring my past, only shame in denying where i've come from. right on time, you get closer and closer. call my name. and now i know that there is power and strength in not allowing history to repeat itself; there are lessons to be learned but that knowledge can never be gleaned by not opening the book. my past is not the pandora's box i thought it was. and i now understand what i must do. it's time for me to let all this pain and hate fall behind me, in the moment that it was concieved. there is no place for it in the here and now, there is no need for it in my heart. there is no room for it in my mind. i have other things to think about, and i have other things to carry with me. i can't forget it, no matter how hard i have tried; i don't need to forget it anymore. and yes, it still frightens me. yes, it's still painful and wrong. but it's not quite as shameful as i thought. it's like anything else that's bad that has happened to me...a painful memory that will be forever impressed in my mind. but now it's been cut down into pieces and filed; no longer that caged beast in the depths of my psyche where a tired girl with sad eyes guards fearfully against whomever may come with the key to the locks. i can't hear it pounding and growling anymore. the rumbling subsiquent echoes still reverberate, i won't lie. but i'm not so scared of that beast anymore. i know that it can't hurt me again. she's convinced she could hold back a glacier, but she couldn't keep baby alive. doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere...here... and now i sit in quiet contemplation, in the dark, listening to tori amos and smoking cigarettes. and i know what the next step is. and i know that it will be tough. but i know that it is necessary, and right. and i know that i will persevere, and i know that i will finally gain what i have always envied in others: strength. ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
