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~*~ the here and now. ~*~ the done and gone. ~*~ who am i? ~*~ find more like me ~*~
say something to me. ~*~ what they've said about me. ~*~ feel left out? ~*~ get pretty. ~*~

i can't do this anymore.
2006-12-19, 11:28 p.m.

current mood: violently unstable.

current song: wise up by aimee mann.

it's not what you thought
when you first began it
you got what you want
but you can hardly stand it though
by now you know that it's
not going to stop
till you wise up
you're sure there's a cure
and you have finally found it
you think one drink
will shrink you till you're underground
and living down but it's
not going to stop
till you wise up
prepare a list for what you need
before you sign away the deed
cause it's not going to stop
it's not going to stop
it's not going to stop
till you wise up
no it's not going to stop
so just
give up

i can't shake this overwhelming feeling that there's nothing i can do to make things better. i'll never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough...i'll never be anything. i don't know why i feel this way. i've never known. but it's hung there, looming like an impending storm, for years and years and no matter how fast i drive ahead of it i can never get away from the murky, overcast sky ready to open up in torrents. and all this time everything i've wanted has seemed two steps ahead of me, forever intangible, fading into the fog ahead. i've always tried to do what's expected of me, and what i've been told is correct, and what i've been told is my destiny. i've never searched for my own path, and now i don't think i know how.

have i lost my footing forever? have i lost all sight? i don't understand how i am to make decisions for myself; i don't know what's right and wrong anymore if it's not being force fed to me. i am weak, and i am sad, and i am lost lost lost...

and it feels as if i have no one to turn to. i don't have real problems. my problems are insignificant and miniscule. i'm just another spoiled brat who had the world by the ass and fucked it all up because she was scared of it. i let everything slip between my fingers because i didn't know what to do with it. i feel as if my problems are nothing in comparison to those of other peoples', and that telling them to other people is nothing but useless whining. i don't want to be that girl who pours her heart out to someone only for them to turn around when i'm gone and scoff at me. i don't understand how these people can get up every day and do all the things that they do; i have trouble getting out of bed at all on my days off. i have trouble keeping things in order even when someone is handing them to me and telling me where to put them. and i want to take control, i want my life back but i don't know how to get it...i don't know if i can save myself. i don't know if i can do this.

and that little voice in the back of my head becomes louder and louder with each passing moment, telling me that i don't matter. telling me that no one cares and no one will notice if i'm not around. telling me it would be so easy to just...let go, just end it all. and honestly, i'm starting to believe it. if this is what life is then i don't want it anymore. i can't, physically, emotionally, or mentally, deal with it anymore. i've been spending my time alone, trying to numb myself with pills and whiskey and pain and television, anything to keep my mind from working. anything to keep myself from thinking, from writing, from actually doing what i've been thinking about.

but i am so scared. i'm scared of what i've become, and what the world thinks, and what i'm going to have to do to get myself out of this mess. it appears that the hole i've dug is entirely too deep this time. and i'm too scared to carry out the things that pace around inside my head. i'm too scared to check myself in somewhere. i'm too scared to actually say these things out loud, hence why i'm sitting in this fucking chair, typing away again. how sad is that? how wretched have i become, that my only friend is this keyboard and monitor, this little box with words inside. i haven't been able to actually write in any of my notebooks because my hands shake so much. i've been doing a good job of hiding it; i've been doing so well hiding all of this. i put on my smile and i laugh and i die inside but no one knows it.

i broke down last night for just a second, but i honestly was crying because i was happy. it feels so right when he holds me close, even if it is only briefly. but i feel like such a traitor, i feel like a failure, and i feel like i'll never live up to what he wants me to be. and just like everything else, i know that good things never last and in the end there will be only pain and suffering and emptiness. i know that this can never work; nothing works. nothing is right. nothing is fine, everything is broken. he is too beautiful, and i know that he has his flaws. i know it, i know that everyone has their flaws. but he is strong, and i envy that. i have prayed for strength like that every single night for as long as i can remember and still i am weak. i have tried to find that strength in myself and it is not there. i have tried to draw that strength from someone or something else and i cannot do that. it seems that no matter what i do i am no good at it.

no, it's not going to stop, so just give up.

and i will wake tomorrow, ashamed that i have not the fortitude of will to end it all and not the strength to carry on, and i will fake it. it's been working so well for so long, has it not? and i will smile, and i will laugh, and i will die a little more inside my heart, and i will wait for everything to fall apart. that's the only thing i can do anymore.

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~

~*~ entries from 2002 ~*~ entries from 2003 ~*~ entries from 2004 ~*~ entries from 2005 ~*~ entries from 2006 ~*~ entries from 2007 ~*~ entries from 2008 ~*~ entries from 2009 ~*~


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