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i don't even understand. current song: pain by jimmy eat world. i don't feel the way i've ever felt i know going to smile and not get worried i try but it shows anyone can make what i have built and better now anyone can find these same white pills that take my pain away it's a lie a kiss with open eyes and she's not breathing back anything but bother me takes my pain away never mind these are hurried times i can't let it bother me i never thought i'd walk away from you i know but it's a false sense of accomplishment every time i quit everyone can see my every flaw it isn't hard anyone can say they're above this all but it takes my pain away it's a lie a kiss with open eyes and she's not breathing back anything but bother me takes my pain away never mind these are hurried times i can't let it bother me it takes my pain away in my head, i can see it. i can see exactly what i want, where i want, and who i want to be. then why is it so hard for me to do it? why do i set myself up for failure? why am i embarrassed to be a better person? i know part of it is because those are the people i've always hated inside - the people who just are who they are and it comes easily and naturally. the people who always knew what they've wanted. the people who've never struggled with what and who they are. they've always just seemed...better; as if what they are is unattainable to someone like me. and i know that everything i just said is all bullshit, and that everyone struggles with some part of themselves, and that no one doesn't have pain of their own. but there are people that never seem like they have problems; those that seem as though they have no burden to bear. and those are the people i hate. but then, what am i? why is this all seem so unattainable? we're back to the dooming of myself. it doesn't make sense logically at all: why am i afraid to just be a good person? is it because those are the people i made fun of? on the inside i'm so ridiculously afraid of what other people think, despite what i desperately try and project to the world. there's nothing i want more dearly in the world than approval. however, there's nothing i hate getting more in the world than approval. i don't want people to see me succeeding in my life, yet i want people to think that i am. shut up. i know it makes no sense. and you may think that this is more "bullshit posturing", but it isn't. this is what i fight with every day. i want people to think that i'm strong, and happy, and unafraid. and inside, i'm nothing but a weak, miserable coward. but i don't want people to know that this - that all that i am - is a bold faced lie, making any real improvement in my life nearly impossible to pull off with out everyone knowing that i'm changing. i'm not afraid of the change, i'm afraid of people seeing it. all my life i've been nothing but a public spectacle. i could throw in some bullshit about how my mother paraded me around to the world as the prodigal genius daughter who could do no wrong, and my fall from grace, but i suppose i use that excuse (and exactly how fucked up it's made me) a little too liberally. i would gladly take responsibility for my inability to deal with how the rest of the world sees me, but i can't. i don't know how. seriously, honestly, and truly. inside, i hate everything that i ever was, and everything that i am now. i've always just flat out hated myself. and i like to pretend in my head that i have all of this under control and it's all just a bunch of ridiculous delusions of grandeur. all of it. my whole life. nothing. it's all nothing. it's not worth anything. i'm not worth anything. failure, failure, failure; that's all i ever was and am now and how could i ever possibly be anything different? back to damning myself. i'm done. i can't do this anymore. ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
