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fucking pills. current song: it's not over yet by klaxons. i'll live for you i'd die for you do what you want me to i'll cry for you my tears will show that i can't let you go it's not over not over not over not over yet you still want me don't you it's not over not over not over not over yet cause i can see through you don't let me down don't make a sound don't throw it all away remember me so tenderly don't let it slip away it's not over not over not over not over yet you still want me don't you it's not over not over not over not over yet cause i can see through you but they don't make things all better any more. i spend every day as though i am underwater, my eyes dull, my ears full. my face itches. and i used to be able to eat a pill and words would flow like wine from a bottle; dark and rich, silky texture filling up my computer screen. i would sit here and build a dream that i could see and hear and almost taste, words dripping around me like a sheet of silk. and now, now i barely have that. i need more, more little white tablets of inspiration and happiness and spark. my muse slips away, vanishing among the trees of the forest of my mind. and she is so beautiful... i need beauty in my life again. and i need color and sound and touch and taste ...not muted, not dulled...something real again... but now, with everything that has happened in the last month, i'm so tired, and being muted and dull and numb is so nice...being relieved from the pain of everything - detached from the world and my body makes quieting my mind so much easier. because my mind doesn't want to exist anymore. my mind wants my body to stop. i'm tired of the feeling of dried tears in the corners of my eyes. i'm tired of waking up and pretending to give a shit. i'm tired of rolling my head back to stifle the urge to cry. i'm tired of pushing so hard to make things work. i'm tired of being hungry and cold and in pain. because i am. i just don't tell anyone. and radiohead is playing. what the fuck am i going to do? where the fuck am i supposed to go from here? i failed my job, my marriage, my family... he said goodbye to me last night, for the last time. and i gave him one last kiss. the man that i loved, the man that a piece of me still loves...the man that i swore i would spend the rest of my life with is gone. the man that i failed. the life that i couldn't live. the person i couldn't be. the thing that i gave up because i was born to be someone else and didn't know it until it was too late and i had ruined someone else's life. all that is finally gone, and you'd think that i'd be happy or relieved or grateful, right? but it's all too late, i can't take any of it back. i can't take anything back. it's all too late...too soon...too much... shut my mouth and strike the demons, curse you and your reasons, out of hand and out of season, out of love and out of feeling... don't worry. i'll put my smile on for you tomorrow. ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
