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~*~ the here and now. ~*~ the done and gone. ~*~ who am i? ~*~ find more like me ~*~
say something to me. ~*~ what they've said about me. ~*~ feel left out? ~*~ get pretty. ~*~

hesitance?
2008-01-13, 8:13 p.m.

current mood: hesitant...

current song: mayonnaise by the smashing pumpkins.

fool enough to almost be it
cool enough to not quite see it
doomed
pick your pockets full of sorrow
and run away with me tomorrow
june

we'll try and ease the pain
but somehow we'll feel the same
well no one knows
where our secrets go

i send a heart to all my dearies
when your life is so so dreary
dream
i'm rumored to the straight and narrow
while the harlots of my perils
scream

and i fail
but when i can i will
try to understand
that when i can i will

mother weep the years i'm missing
all our time can't be given
back
shut my mouth and strike the demons
cursed you and your reasons
out of hand and out of season
out of love and out of feeling
so bad

when i can i will
words defy the plan
when i can i will

fool enough to almost be it
and cool enough to not quite see it
and old enough to always feel this
always old i'll always feel this

no more promise no more sorrow
no longer will i follow
can anybody hear me
i just want to be me
and when i can i will
try to understand
that when i can i will

i'm tired of this, these words that come out of me, the pouring of my heart onto a keyboard - and i'm only tired of it because why can't i just be a normal person with a normal life who can talk to people without sounding like some pretentious idiot?

because i can't. i can't express my self verbally. i can't communicate to people what i am thinking and how i am feeling with my voice. i have tried, over and over again, to be able to have a normal conversation with people, and i can't.

i am a freak of nature.

i don't know.

and the hesitant feeling, as noted above, is in reference to meeting new people...because i feel as though i will make an ass of myself, or sound stupid, or sound pretentious - all of which are never my aim...i just want to sound like a person, i guess, and i think that i sound like a yammering idiot. plus, i'm not good at meeting people. i make a terrible first impression because i am almost always nervous, which makes my speech patterns even worse...

i'm sorry. i don't know what else to say here. i'm done...for now.

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~

~*~ entries from 2002 ~*~ entries from 2003 ~*~ entries from 2004 ~*~ entries from 2005 ~*~ entries from 2006 ~*~ entries from 2007 ~*~ entries from 2008 ~*~ entries from 2009 ~*~


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