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the end? current song: the sound of the space heater. little brother is sleeping. i think it's because i went to bed all emotional again. i can't shake the overbearing feeling of inadequacy that was instilled in me at a young age, and i will probably never lose. i was never good enough for my mother, how could i ever be good enough for anyone else? i don't know. i can't let it go, no matter how much i try. i have spent almost 25 years - almost a quarter of a century, now - feeling like i'll never be good enough; i'm not the smartest, or the fastest, or the most talented, or the strongest... and for some reason, it was also instilled in me that mediocrity is a fate worse than death, so i've got that load to carry now, as i am nothing. i'm not doing anything, i'm not going anywhere, and i don't have two nickels to rub together. i had so many grandiose plans in my formative years on how i'd spend my 25th birthday. i thought that i'd be successful and happy and have a house and money and spend it in style; i often thought that i'd be drinking champagne in the early morning hours in a penthouse in some major city, staring down at the streets. oh, look, i have none of that. i have nothing. i barely have myself anymore. i just...i just don't know what to do anymore. and i ask for reassurance, and i get none. i get the "well i'm ok, i don't know why you're not" speech - the self-righteous buck up bullshit. "i had lots of bad things happen in my life and i got over it." ok, thanks for the motivational speech. thanks a bunch. but that's not what i asked for, and not what i wanted, and come to think of it that just made me feel even more shitty about myself. yes, i get it. everyone else on the face of the earth can get over it but me. everyone else is fine. but I'M FUCKING NOT FINE. I'M NOT. I HAVEN'T BEEN FOR A LONG TIME NOW...I'M ANYTHING BUT OK. I DON'T WANT TO WAKE UP ANYMORE...MAYBE THAT'S WHY I CAN'T SLEEP. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE, OK? I DON'T WANT YOUR SPEECHES, YOUR "WISDOM" - I DON'T WANT IT. I WANTED JUST A LITTLE REASSURANCE THAT MAYBE I COULD GET THROUGH THIS. I AM NOT IGNORING MY PROBLEMS, I AM NOT TRYING TO ESCAPE. I AM NOT ASKING YOU TO LIE TO ME, AND I AM NOT ASKING YOU TO DO ANYTHING FOR ME EXCEPT MAKE ME FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER FOR 5 SECONDS. and you are completely unwilling to do that. instead, you clam up, you yell at me and get defensive and quickly bring up shit that i wasn't even talking about, and you revert back to the same "i did it why can't you" mentality. the whole argument, all of it, was not about me asking you to placate me or lie - though you quickly spun it that way - it was about you telling me that i could do it. it was about telling me that i am going to be ok. that was all i wanted. because, you know what, i know that i am fucked. i know it. and you telling me what i already know does not help me in the least - instead it makes me so angry and indignant that i can't breathe. it makes me want to hit you as hard as i can square in the mouth, and then spit on you when you hit the ground. it makes me feel as though you are gloating over me, proudly proclaiming how you are so much better than me because you're just fine after your whole hard life and you have no pity or remorse for me what-so-ever because i should just get off my ass and do it. you know what? that is EXACTLY HOW MY MOTHER SOUNDS. and you know what else? i don't talk to laurie anymore, and i probably never will again. so, maybe i should stop talking to you, too. because you make me feel like shit, you really do, and i don't need that in my life again. ever. i just got out of that, thank you very much. and i really liked the part about how you were a total standoffish asshole until i turned the subject back to YOU. or, you can apologize to me. but i don't think i'll be able to come to you with how i feel for a long time. maybe ever. i'm just not going to talk about myself anymore, not that you'd notice...because i know almost everything about you, but i know you'd be hard pressed to answer questions about me. not only have you never really asked me anything about myself in the entire time that i've known you, but how can i get a word in edgewise? you're so good at talking about yourself. you know what else you're good at? changing the subject when you don't feel like talking about something, or inappropriately letting your mind wander to something completely off-subject in the middle of a conversation. it makes me want to punch you when you giggle while i'm trying to talk to you about something that i feel is important. it's why i don't try. and then you get upset and pull the "oh, come on, you can't do that" shit, and feign interest until you see my mouth stop moving. and then you - wait for it - change the subject, as per usual. that's what it feels like. that's why i don't talk about things. you instill in me the two things i have always thought: 1) that no one is listening anyways, and; 2) that no one really gives a shit. and i know...i know you're going to read this and fly off the handle at me about whatever. but really, at this point, i don't care. i give up. i surrender. you win. sure. you're right. i'm wrong. i'm so sorry for all these terrible things that i've written. no, no i'm not. i don't take back one word of it. and if you can't accept that, then this is the end, my friend. it doesn't have to be, but i have a feeling that you'll give up too. why waste time on me, anyway? PS: Thanks to Hikaru-sama for the grammatical correction. I won't say where it was if you didn't notice. ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
