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~*~ the here and now. ~*~ the done and gone. ~*~ who am i? ~*~ find more like me ~*~
say something to me. ~*~ what they've said about me. ~*~ feel left out? ~*~ get pretty. ~*~

dear mind: please stop being stupid. thanks, the mgmt.
2009-05-13, 2:52 p.m.

current mood: fuck. seriously, just...fuck.

current song: lightning 100, which makes me sadder than i need to be.

i hate how i function sometimes. see, i have this very strange problem... i don't have to be miserable, or even just unhappy. i could be in the happiest relationship of my life. it really doesn't matter, in the slightest.

see, when i meet men, i tend to become attracted to them for seemingly no reason what-so-ever. it's not like i'm trying to pursue some sort of relationship; fuck, i'm not even looking. but then i meet someone who is funny and intelligent and nerdy, with physical characteristics that i usually look for (which, believe me, i don't have many that i truly seek out), and there it is.

now, therein lies the real problem: i often appear to be flirting while stating that i do, in fact, have a boyfriend at this point in time. i am partially flirting, sort of. it's about feeling the situation out, and seeing reactions, and reading the person a bit, but it's also about the fact that amongst people i don't know very well, i tend to turn into a quiet, shy, nerd - so everything i say sounds like i'm flirting when i'm first met, anyway. i don't make friends easily in any way, shape, or form because i am a super quiet, shy, sad little nerd to begin with, and being thrust into uncharted social depths magnifies that exponentially.

there is, however, a sunny side or whatever the fuck you'd like to call it at this point. that sunny side is that 9 times out of 10, i won't act on anything past flirting. and, actually, at this point in my life i won't act on anything past flirting at all. i also take rejection well - it's actually best for me to hear that there is no attraction very early on; after that, for some reason, my brain fucking realizes that it's ok, that a friendship is totally possible without getting into anything else, and i can go about my merry fucking way.

so, to summarize, i get retarded school-girl crushes on people i meet at the first sign of sentience, which are quickly dispersed after i realize that i am a moron and that they would just like to be my friend. i could jump into a psychological theory on why i do this, but i'm at work and i have things to pretend to be doing.

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~

~*~ entries from 2002 ~*~ entries from 2003 ~*~ entries from 2004 ~*~ entries from 2005 ~*~ entries from 2006 ~*~ entries from 2007 ~*~ entries from 2008 ~*~ entries from 2009 ~*~


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