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seven months of silence, broken. current song: planet telex by radiohead. you can force it but it will not come you can taste it but it will not form you can crush it but it's always here you can crush it but it's always near chasing you home saying everything is broken everyone is broken you can force it but it will stay stung you can crush it as dry as a bone you can walk it home straight from school you can kiss it, you can break all the rules all the rules everything is broken everyone is broken everyone is, everyone is broken everyone is, everything is broken why can't you forget? i'm back, i suppose. i shall refrain from trumpeting this, my not-so-triumphant return, for i know not how long it will last. i've been doing a lot of major overhaul in my life. i've grown tired of not understanding - or, more often, flat out not knowing - why i do the things i do, and why i feel the things i feel, and what i'm doing with my life. but most of all, i'm tired of asking the question "who am i?" i'm tired of gauging my own life by the lives, thoughts, and expectations of others. i've decided that it's time to live for myself, of my own measure, of my own volition. i'm sure there are some people who don't think that i have the strength to change myself so drastically - i'm sure there are people who think that tomorrow will be no different for me than any other day, and today is an anomaly. but this has been a slow, creeping change, which has been washing over me for months. i'm so tired of self-sabotage; i'm tired of thinking that people are waiting for me to fail so that they can go on with their lives. they aren't waiting for me to fail, and even if they were, why should i care? "the question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me?" the only person who can stop me at this point is myself. i get it - i understand. there is this indignant child in my head; she stands, arms folded over her chest, eyes squinting, lips and brow furrowed with anger. she's been yelling at me, telling me that i can't do things for as long as i can remember - it's as though she's repeating a mantra that causes me to focus on how i'm not good enough for anything or anyone. it's so easy to give in, and listen to that voice. it's so easy to be evil, to take the easy way out, to live without regard to myself because i'm listening to others. but now that i'm taking the time to discover who i am, i can make my own decisions. now that i am learning that what others think of me is not important in the slightest, i don't need that girl warning me not to do the things i want to do. she's been so wrong lately, which i guess makes me right - a frightening prospect, indeed. i think it's time for that little girl to pack her things. there is, of course, a someone to thank in all of this, who has been persuading me, slowly but surely, that i'm better than i think i am. and i've thanked that person in real life, which, to be honest, means so much more than it would to thank them here. but, i'm back, and i'll try to write more often. i know you miss me. ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
