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never is a fucking promise. current song: never is a promise by fiona apple. you'll never see the courage i know its colors' richness won't appear within your view i'll never glow the way that you glow your presence dominates the judgements made on you but as the scenery grows i see in different lights the shades and shadows undulate in my perception my feelings swell and stretch i see from greater heights i understand what i am still to proud to mention to you you say you understand but you don't understand you say you'll never give up seeing eye to eye but never is a promise and you can't afford to lie you'll never touch these things that i hold the skin of my emotions lies beneath my own you'll never feel the heat of this soul my fever burns me deeper than i've ever shown to you you say don't fear your dreams it's easier than it seems you say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high but never is a promise and you can't afford to lie you'll never live this life that i live i'll never live the life that wakes me in the night you'll never hear the message i give you say it looks as though i might give up this fight but as the scenery grows i see in different lights the shades and shadows undulate in my perception my feelings swell and stretch i see from greater heights i realize what i am now too smart to mention to you you say you understand you'll never understand i'll say i'll never wake up knowing how or why i don't know what to believe in you don't know who i am you say i need appeasing when i start to cry but never is a promise and i'll never need a lie jeremy and i actually had a talk tonight. he lied through most of it, but i don't care anymore. he's not happy, i'm not happy, and that should be the long and short of it. of course it isn't. he wants me to give him another shot. and i don't know if i can do that. and all i see in my head is me walking away from another mess, as per usual. should i give up? should i give him a second chance? will it make me happy? i know that it will make him happy, if only for a bit; happiness from seeing me give in yet again. is it worth it? and since i've already begun to start over, is it worth risking what i have now? i sincerely doubt it. i'm tired of hurting people. but i'm also tired of hurting myself. i'm tired of hearing half of the story. i'm tired of exsisting in a purgatory of sorts, torn between my dreams and his harsh realities. "you'll never make it on your own", he says. is he right? i've never tried to make it on my own before. sure, i've been financially supporting myself since i was 16, but i've never gotten to live on my own. fuck, i haven't been single since i was 15. and i've clawed my way, tooth and fucking nail through shit that kills people. i am tough. i am strong. i am made of stern stuff. on the outside. but i have shit on the inside. i've got no self-esteem, and i've got very little confidence. i'm so good at coming across as a girl who's got everything together in a neat little bundle when everything is fucking unravelling in my head. but that's what i do - that's who i am. i survive my mess and your mess and everyone elses' messes as well. clean up is what i'm not so good at. there are so many things i want to do in this lifetime; places i want to go, things i want to accomplish. and i can't help but feel as if jeremy is going to stand in my way through it all. there are bigger and better things out there, and i want them. goddamn it, it's not about the money or the fame or the bullshit. it's about the life that i want to live. the things i want to learn. and the lives i want to save, one way or another. and right now, the only life i need to save is my own. i am falling, i am fading, i am drowning - help me to breathe... and now i will rest my weary head and sleep dreamless sleep and wake up tomorrow to do it all over again. hopefully resting will clear my head. and hopefully no one will be mad at me tomorrow... ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
