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aqua vitae, the water of life. current song: natural one by folk implosion. i'm the one natural one make it easy we can take it inside where i can love how i like if my woman whatever keeps me high yeah we can take it good and loose on an endless spree good because we made it and when momma's not around there's no telling what we'll do when we're free i'm the one natural one make it easy we can take it inside i can have it cause i act like i love it it's a matter of pride yeah we can take it good excuse on an endless spree good because we made it your woman's falling down you may as well crash with me when i'm numb natural one it's the one natural one there's no telling what we'll do when we're free when i'm numb natural one there's no telling what we'll do when we're free it's the one natural one there's no telling what we'll do when we're free when i'm numb natural one that you may as well crash with me when i'm numb natural one there's no telling what we'll do when we're free it's the one natural one there's no telling what we'll do when we're free when i'm numb natural one there's no telling what we'll do when we're free it's the one natural one that you may as well crash with me now, it's just tiring. and endless. i'm still not caught up from the week i took off for grandpa's funeral. in fact, i'm further behind. and my pain has escalated. the decompression therapy genuinely fucked me up, as my left leg hurts all the time now, a sharp pain in the back of my knee accompanied by a lightning bolt through my thigh. my right leg just burns, my toes numb. it changes a lot though, depending on my activity level and how i've been sitting and how long i've slept and just about every fucking thing else. so, to occupy my mind, instead of work, i dick around on the internet. this has become at best obsessive, and at worst, dangerous. let me extrapolate for you. today, i learned how to combine one of my favorite things with another substance i've learned to love, to make my new aqua vitae of choice. i currently have 6 drams in my freezer. the seventh i made is kicking in now. you see, i've developed some (actual, not self-diagnosed as per usual) complications in my condition. firstly, i've got some spinal stenosis, combined with new calcifications due to the trauma and disk herniations, and a splendid case of premature degenerative disk disease. i have the mri and the ct to prove it. and yet, my pain clinic doctor - glorified candyman that he is - has been hassling the everloving shit out of me lately. last month i almost didn't get pill refills - long story short, they rescheduled me to a different day and neglected to tell me that part, so when i showed up the doc wasn't there. fortunately, he had the forsight to realize that when i didn't show it was because of his idiot staff, and put my prescriptions in my file, but only the kadian and the percocets, and not the lyrica. so, here i am, fucking rationing my pills, and miserable just about every second of it. i go next thursday, do to something i said i'd never do - i'm going to get a series of epidurals. i fucking have to do something at this point. i can't take much more of this. hence, the mad science going on in my kitchen with vanilla grey goose and morphine sulfate. i have to make this shit last for the next fucking week, and i'm not going to do it without some ingenuity. do not call me a malingerer, or an addict. i may be a pharmaceutical mcguyver, but it's not because i like getting high, not anymore. i'd prefer to be anything but high at this point, actually. getting stoned used to be a fantastic pastime, something to help me think, to clear my head. being continually stoned does nothing but make me feel perpetually more helpless. i'm excruciatingly tired of being trapped in a body that doesn't work anymore. and i'm tired of people thinking i'm crying wolf. fuck it, i don't care anymore. i'm going to go drink more laudanum, and go to bed. ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
