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~*~ the here and now. ~*~ the done and gone. ~*~ who am i? ~*~ find more like me ~*~
say something to me. ~*~ what they've said about me. ~*~ feel left out? ~*~ get pretty. ~*~

joydrop on a foggy morning.
2003-06-04, 6:43 a.m.

current mood: better now that i'm not at work. i had too much time to think there.

current song: sometimes wanna die by joydrop

don't worry about one thing
don't worry about nothing
she said i'm not gonna let this one go

nobody's on my side
nobody seems to see
how much how deep how far these things can be

my eyes are dry and i
my eyes are dry and
i i just don't even know you
i i still wish that i could hold you
i i i sometimes wanna die

and everywhere i go
and everyone i see
somehow almost sets me free

and the space where we meet
is different from the rest
and i just can't seem to forget that

my eyes are dry and i
my eyes are dry and
i i just don't even know you
i i still wish that i could hold you
i i i sometimes wanna die

and you were at the start
and now you are the end
and you left me with nothing to pretend
i need the voice of a good friend

can't stop myself from laughing no matter how sad
these things can be
these things can be

my eyes are bright and
i i just don't even know you
i i still wish that i could hold you
i i just don't even know you
i sometimes wanna die

i called it. i knew it.

let me start at the begining.

i saw c today. he told me that he thinks he's in love.

the funniest thing is that i knew.

he and i both went off to college in tennesse in 2001. i met some friends, but he only made one friend really: a gorgeous Israeli girl. and i knew then that no man spends that much time with a girl without some level of interest. she was too beautiful, too captivating, too interesting, and too inteligent. she was and still is what i am not.

innocent. pure.

i think that if she hadn't been innocent and pure, he might have tried to cheat on me. i hate to say that, but, well...he's got a reputation. i'm not accusing him of cheating, and i'm not saying that he would have if he had had the chance, i'm just stating a hypothetical that can never happen now. he did cheat on kristen with me, and he cheated before that too, i do believe...

i'm not angry. i couldn't be. i want the world for him; i want him to be happy. i'm just envious of her because she's everything i'm not.

because, she could make him happy.

because, i still have feelings for him.

it hurt the worst when i realized that he had gone on a long time ago, and it's my fault. i messed everything up so badly. i put myself in the situation that really motivated the end of our relationship, and even though i couldn't control the situation, i still put myself in it. i thought i had no other choice.

i never have another choice.

i'm so different than everyone else. i get stuck in these situations and i honestly don't know how i do it most of the time.

i try every day to just let him go, but whether he ever did or not, i loved him. a part of me still does. a part of me that woke up when i was with him, and that i thought had died when he left me.

it's still so strange to me to say the words "he left me". i'm the independant woman who's always ahead of the game. i do the breaking up.

i guess there's an exception to every rule.

the world has turned and left me here
just where i was before you appeared
and in your place an empty space

and so, here i am, depressed, tired, crying, chain-smoking, wishing i could just fade away.

and she wished and prayed she would stop living - so she decided to die.

i try but my body won't just shut down. i want to sleep the empty dreamless eternal sleep of death, but it won't come to me.

i'm so confused right now. it feels like he wants to just pretend like the whole two years we had never happened, and he wants to pick up back in august of 2000, when i met him again. back when we were just friends.

why am i here? to cause pain? to be miserable?

am i one of God's own prototypes: too strange to live, too rare to die?

i wonder if he still reads this. i'm torn - i'm half hoping he'll read this and understand how i feel.

half of me hopes he doesn't read this. i don't want him to be upset. i don't want him to not understand.

and i have moved on in some ways. i guess i just want to figure out why a part of me still feels the way it does for him.

don't anybody go freaking out on me, now.

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~

~*~ entries from 2002 ~*~ entries from 2003 ~*~ entries from 2004 ~*~ entries from 2005 ~*~ entries from 2006 ~*~ entries from 2007 ~*~ entries from 2008 ~*~ entries from 2009 ~*~

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