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unfairness and...confusion. current song: constant craving by k. d. lang even through the darkest phase be it thick or thin always someone marches brave here beneath my skin constant craving has always been maybe a great magnet pulls all souls towards truth or maybe it is life itself that feeds wisdom to its youth constant craving has always been craving constant craving has always been i regret to admit that i have always been (and quite possibly will always be) a flighty little thing. i like projects, and when the job is over i go looking for new work. and that's most often where i run into trouble. my favourite thing in the whole wide world to do is to find a bumbling, geeky little boy who needs confidence, love, and experience. i love being adored - and those are the boys that adore you most. it's not just that. i'm not a total life-stealing bitch (despite what most of my exes think). i like to help. i like helping these kinds of boys learn that there are women out there that like them. i like to give them confidence. i really like being that girl that they thought they'd never ever get. unfortunately, there are very few of us nerdy yet sensual girls out there, willing to love shy, quiet, nervous men. i don't know why; these boys are the sweetest, most romantic, most wonderful people in the whole world. plus, they're interesting, as opposed to the rest of the male population. they come up with the best suprises, and they have the most fun in a beautiful, naive, childlike way. i'm not one who likes to break hearts. i may have reveled in that a bit as a foolish adolescent, but it was never my intention - only an ego-boosting by-product. here, also, is where it gets tricky. i am limited here in what i write to you, o faithful diary, because i'm fairly certain that everyone i know can read. and i'm also fairly certain that i don't want anyone to stumble upon this and mistake it for lindsay doing a bad, bad thing. stated thensforth for the record: i love my husband. i have not grown bored, per se. i am a creature of change and spontinaity and chaos. i love not knowing where i may be tomorrow. i love to live fast and hard, and i really, really love new projects. and one came along. and good god, i am tempted. it's quite unfair of me - unfair to my husband for me to be thinking about this. stated hitherto for the record: i am a hell of a lot stronger and smarter than i used to be. if this was the me 2 or 3 years ago, i'd have been gone in a poof of smoke. i'd have moved out at 4 in the morning and packed everything i own in my car and there would have never been any trace of my existance. it's especially unfortunate for me that this...specimen...is quite attractive, and quite interesting, and extremely nervous about everything. and i like him. i like him alot. i wanna touch him. but i can't. this new boy also doesn't need another broken heart. his track record shows that he's run into too many coniving little girls already - the kind (unlike me) who only care about themselves and love to ruin lives. the kind that give girls like me a really bad name. my husband doesn't deserve a broken heart. he's been the most wonderful person in the whole world to me, and he loves me with all his heart. i would shatter his world. and i would never ever cheat on him. i took vows for a reason. but here's where it gets really, really complicated. i can't stop thinking about this new boy. he's bewitched me, or...i don't know. i have dreams about him. his beautiful kind eyes haunt me. i can't help it - i unconsciously have these visions of him. i don't know how to stop it. this has never, ever happened to me before. i don't know what this is. i don't know what to do. and i can't talk to any of my friends about this, for many reasons that i won't get into here. i don't want my past to haunt me. i don't want to ruin any more lives - especially my own. but there is this gigantic floating unknown variable, mocking me. taunting me, teasing me. i want to know: i want to know what is there, and what could be there, and what isn't there. and now i'm quite sure i know what purgatory feels like. i'm awfully sure i have no idea what to do about this; what to do about myself. and i don't want to ever have to say "my god, what have i done?" honestly ever again. this is so unfair. unenchant me, please. let me go. stop rending my heart between what is right and what is waiting there to be right. god, this must be how my exes feel. ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
