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happiness vs. comfort current song: try, try, try by the smashing pumpkins. pop tart what's our mission do we know but never listen for too long they held me under but i hear it's almost over in detroit on a memphis train like you said it's down in the heat and the summer rain of the automatic gauze of your memories down in the sleep at the airplane races try to hold on to this heart a little bit longer try to hold on to this love aloud try to hold on for this heart's a little bit colder try to hold on to this love paperback scrawl your hidden poems written around the dried out flowers here we are still trading places to try to hold on pop tart can you envision a free world of clear division for too long they held us under but i know we're getting over in detroit with the nashville tears like you said it's down in the heat with the broken numbers down in the gaze of solemnity down in the way you've held together to try to hold on to this heart a little bit closer try to hold on to this love aloud try to hold on for this heart's a little bit older try to hold on to this love aloud and we are still alive try to hold on and we have survived try to hold on and no one should deny we tried to hold onto the pulse of the feedback current into the flow of encrypted movement slapback kills the ancient remnants that try to hold on try to hold on to this heart alive try to hold on to this love aloud try to hold on and we are still alive try to hold on and we have survived try to hold on pop tart you never listen skinned knees try to hold on stop start what's our mission skinned knees try to hold on i've been able to distinguish between feeling comfortable and being happy for quite some time now, and i'm convinced that they cannot fully exist at the same time. i feel as though i may never be both completely happy while maintaining complete comfort - it all boils down to what makes me happy, versus what makes me feel comfortable. to me, being comfortable is being stable, and secure, and bored out of my skull. but happiness is a whirlwind rush; living by the seat of my pants, staying on my toes. i am happier when i am uncomfortable, i am happier when i am challenged. and finding that delicate balance between the two is a challenge in and of itself. i suppose that is why i've always been facinated and infatuated with the medical world. doctors, nurses, ems, technicians, phlebotimists, etcetera ectetera...we live in a world where we know when we have to be to work, and that's about it. your next meal, your next nap, your off time, your next patient - all of these things are left up to fortuna herself to decide. i will know where i have to be at what time, i will know where i will call home, and i might know who will be there when i get to that mythical place where i may lay my head, and that's about it. whether it's a day where i sit and do nothing or a day where finding time to breathe is a bit of a chore is that perfect unknown variable, that incalculable equasion that i so desperately need. there is one thing for sure at work; every day i will learn something new, no matter how trivial or great. there is no usual sisyphean ordeal, no monotony. but back to the track that i had begun my course on; this song reminds me of so many things, so many times where i was trying so hard to be completely contented because that's how i thought life should be. it reminds me of times where i should have been running and i was crawling along. and it reminds me that i must get up, that i must press on, and that there are so many things that i need to achieve before this rediculously short thing we humans have called life is over. i, unfortunately, being a mere mortal, have but a blink of an eye to accomplish so much. and i've wasted so much time not doing what i want to do. and, more unfortunately, that is where i get hung up. i tend to look over my shoulder, and much like lot's wife, i become a pillar of salt blinded by my past failings and inadequacies. i review my shortcomings in slow motion, extending my hands in an effort to change what i cannot. and once again i slow down and plateau while leafing through the photo album of my mind. i become unhappy, and so i seek comfort. i then become agitated and bored, so i seek happiness. so i suppose that the next step is to seek as much happiness as possible, while throwing ease to the wind. i'm just hoping that this happiness is worth it. i have a feeling it will be. ~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~ get your own guestbook here |
