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~*~ the here and now. ~*~ the done and gone. ~*~ who am i? ~*~ find more like me ~*~
say something to me. ~*~ what they've said about me. ~*~ feel left out? ~*~ get pretty. ~*~

new love? ...god, i hope not....
2002-12-30, 7:22 a.m.

work sucks. i'm all fine with being a good employee and working extra hours, but working on holidays is rediculous. i mean, seriously. and now, since half of the afternoon shift in my cell was fired, i'm really in some trouble. i'm talking like 12 to 16 hour days, 7 days a week...and they can do that, since it's a factory. suck, suck, suck. at any rate, i'm sick (literally, with the el nino of head colds), tired, drained, and broke, and life seems cold and bleak. must be on a down swing.

so the other night, i needed to stay up and readjust my sleeping schedule because i was passing out at work, so the the evil landlord and i go to denny's. we left the samurai and that guy here, because they crashed and we really didn't feel like waking them up. over three pots of coffee, carr and i had some extremely wonderful conversation, ranging from why i have so much trouble in relationships to why he has so much trouble in relationships to algebra to art, to writing and poetry, to music, and to nothing in general; everything somehow just splitting, tangenting, and secanting off: all touching at one point but only infinitely briefly. it was the most delicious conversation i've had in quite a while. somehow the atmosphere was prefect for intreguing intellectual intercourse; the empty dining room, the steady supply of coffee, cigarette smoke curling and stretching in the air like a cat in the noon sun. it was beautiful. and it was real conversation - not just absent-minded banter to keep each other amused, but it was as if we were brother and sister because we knew each other so well for those few hours, but as if we were best friends because of the delicate intimacy of our words mingling and mating to spawn new topics. my mind was blown, because he and i really do have so much in common.

he asked me why i never was attracted to him, even though all my friends were. i couldn't lie, i had to tell him that i was attracted to him on some level because he and i share so many things in common, but i never ever could think about dating him because...well, i have no other way to put it other than that he's carr, and i've known him too long and it would have been so weird, not to mention the fact that i'd kill him trying to put up with him. plus, well...

i'm not ready to fill in the last little detail of this to everyone. not yet.

at any rate, he said the same thing about me, so it was good to know that he wasn't lusting after me. i couldn't handle that right now.

so now, here i am, writing in this little box to people, listening to bjork and smoking this delicious tobacco-filled paper tube of cancerous death. all is full of love. that guy is laying on the couch, half-conscious, rambling on, which he has a tendancy to do when he's really tired, and that's my cue to hit the dusty trail up the stairs to my futon mattress on the floor. i'm kind of enjoying this simple life in a round-about way, but i know that there's so much more out there...

~*~ immediate yesterday. ~*~ divination. ~*~